Sunday 30 September 2012

Days 5-7: Foraging and Emaciation



So it turns out there’s only so much one can say along the lines of this food isn’t too lovely, I miss caffeine and alcohol, my Dad and ASK sure do make nice food. Regardless, I will persevere even if it means bringing up more clumsy and irrelevant animal metaphors.

So there was James the cat (apparently named by me after one of the Thomas the Tank Engine crew) whose paw was run over. He heroically crawled from the road to the back door before peacefully passing away. I personally, have been crawling around the house, growing weaker and weaker and perhaps before this week is up, will follow James to a better place. 

Years later it was revealed that James was actually obliterated all over the street. This would only give us an even clumsier metaphor though so we’ll forget about that. Then there was Jackalina the tortoise (originally named Jack before the cheeky minx started laying eggs). It was the eggs that would prove her downfall though, one day she tried too hard to lay one and when she finally released the egg it was not alone. It was joined by all of her vital organs. Many have found this tale of prolapse amusing over the years. However, after this week, I can finally say I know how poor Jackalina felt and it is NOT funny. 


On the subject of feelings, I felt guilty for not taking a picture of my basics pasta and tinned tomato on Thursday but not to worry, I had it again! So here you go:














So that was Day 5 done but on Day 6 I realized that supplies were running dangerously low and was forced to take a stroll into the wilderness. Shout out to Bear Grylls who showed me what can and cannot be eaten (final outcome pending). I returned with a lot of very sour blackberries and some wild mint which I simmered in a pot for 20 minutes and then blended, strained, cooled and iced. The result was an incredibly refreshing drink (if a little bitty). If I’d had sugar, or as Mum suggested: gin, it would have been a nice drink even during a normal week.

That evening began gloriously when I found out the parents were having tuna, the only thing I don’t eat. My mood soon changed after I caught a whiff of these:


 They sure smelt and later taste like they were worth every bit of the 45p I paid for them. Having discovered that my hot dogs were 12% pork earlier in the week I decided against reading the nutritional information of these ‘meat’ balls. Please don’t EVER tell me.


Still, with that treat out of the way, all that is left for the remaining 12 hours is plain rice. So very plain.
It’s very hard to concentrate with A Knight’s Tale on in the background. What a film.

Everyone seems to think I’ll lose a lot of weight doing this which I originally thought was pish posh given all the crap in the food I’m eating. However, turns out I’m losing weight almost as quickly as during the infamous tropically diseased summer of 2010. As a result I think I might have made the jump from Cruiser to Light Heavyweight by tomorrow (in just one week!). Will have to find scales from somewhere to check. Is ‘scales’ as in weight spelt the exact same as ‘scales’ as in fish!? Fascinating.  

With 12 hours to go I suppose all that's left to do is let the boys from American Hi-Fi who inspired this blog’s title play me out and look forward to that midnight beer after work. 


See you at the weigh in! 

R.I.P. James (1990-1997)

R.I.P. Jackalina (1930-2005 estimated)

P.S. The chumps at the leisure centre decided not to remove the debris from a child’s birthday party from the squash court before our game today – so we got a refund! That means that not only have I only spent £7 on food and drink this week, I’ve only spent £7 full stop! Woo hoo!
 





 

Thursday 27 September 2012

Days 3-4: Ode to a Fish from Budějovice

The soundtrack to today's update is in celebration of being both half way through my challenge and also having raised over half of my target for charity!








Some of you may be aware that České the fish recently died in a tragic overeating accident. We tried to give her peas (fish laxatives) but they floated to the bottom of the bowl and she was so bloated that all she could do was paddle around upside down at the top. Anyway, after days of pasta and rice filling the gaps that meat and taste have left, if the world was a fishbowl I would definitely be at the top right now, looking down at all the little peas.

Honest to God though, if she’d died this week I probably would have eaten her and I can’t decide if that’s shameful or not. It would probably have helped with the headache yesterday which I’m convinced was due to a lack of protein or maybe vitamins or minerals or who knows. It was these deficiencies, not the chubby pre-growth spurt 12 year old living deep in my soul, that left my gaze lingering on every single thing that was leftover in the restaurant last night. Somebody left all of their rosemary and sea salt ciabatta, ALL OF IT.


I think on average last night I personally sold my weekly allowance's worth of food once every 5 minutes over a 4 and a half hour period. Not surprising considering the cheapest main, margherita pizza, is 5p shy of my £7 limit. Even though I knew that would happen going into this challenge it's still a bit of a kick in the nuts when you think about it. Also, I’ve just found out that Microsoft word does not recognize the names of Italian foods because this paragraph is lighting up with red squiggles. Another kick in the nuts!

The biggest test to my integrity though is not ASK nor, as I had anticipated, my mother. It is in fact the father. He constantly suggests taking one of his onions. If I was going to cheat I think I’d dream a little bigger than an onion champ. Plus, if I had an onion it might compromise the exciting sweat related developments I’m experiencing.

Me and the old man went for a sauna yesterday and another today which of course if I hadn’t snuck in both times would have cost far more than my food for the week. It got me to thinking about how much less salty than normal my sweat must be. I’m drinking way more water than normal (especially in the sauna) and sweating more out (because of the sauna) but I’m also eating very plain food with no flavour OR salt. Will my sweat eventually become pure? Drinkable!? (By which I obviously mean ‘disaster’ drinkable in a lost in the desert situation, not just casually at the dinner table) Or would I die before that happened? There's one to ponder.

Moving on, here’s another dive into what my parents have eaten tonight:

 




I was so hungry that I forgot to take any snaps of my basics pasta/tinned tomato combo but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you can paint your own mental picture of that one.

Finally I’ll close by saying a huge thank you to everyone who’s donated because I’m over halfway to my target. However, I have been thinking... 19 million people in West Africa are suffering from severe food shortages right now and it’s clearly possible to sustain yourself over here for a whole week on just one hour’s (+92p) work at minimum wage. Now I’m no mathematician but that seems a little unfair to me!! Sooo if you think that’s unfair too...

To donate as little as £1 to help sustaining Nigerian livelihoods please click on this link:

Or text ‘BJBJ78 £1’ to 70070

Massive thank you to everyone who has / is going to donate!

R.I.P. České (2011-2012)

P.S. This blog is not designed to villify my parents - they are lovely people!!